by Dyrk Ashton
Guest Reviewer: Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies
Welcome, welcome, come on in! Have a seat! Pardon the flies; someone dropped a load in here earlier, and you know how much them flies likes them some dung, eh?
I’m Beelzebub, and Vonne has hired me to be the guest reviewer today. I’m more generous than Vonne is, because . . . you guessed it! Hot, fresh pizza in the back, and I brought one of my slav…er, Orc Gentleman’s Orc, to pour Dos Equis Amber into cold frosty mugs for you! It’ll stay nice until this review is over, which won’t take long.
In Paternus, the author hired all these gods, demons, succubi (is that the correct plural of succubus? I don’t know. I’m not a writer. I’m an artist. Yep, I can draw flies! Badabing! I’ll be here all weekend, thank you!), anyway all these demigods, uber-gods, even vampires and werewolves to tear the place up. I think me, Trump, and Clinton were the only ones not hired. The other two are busy, and Dyrk still hasn’t forgiven me for arranging those Jay Leno skits for him. Crybaby.
Basically, there’s a supernatural civil war on, kind of an immortal family feud, and a couple of people get caught up in it, and dragged along for the party. These two people are just twentysomething humans, or are they? Maybe not! You’ll see. The action gets hot and heavy in the last two thirds of the story, so if you like chases, battles, miraculous escapes, battles, intrigue, battles, shocking reveals, and did I mention battles? Then you will love this! Good versus evil on an epic scale, as you’ve never seen before!
A few things to be warned about: first, this is book one of a trilogy, so don’t expect everything to be tied up in neat packages for you. There are plenty of loose ends in this epic that should keep you interested for some time. And …
Please stop swatting the flies. I’m their Lord and they start whining at me to save them, droning on and on. Just leave them alone. Remember, I am their Lord? Don’t make me come down there and save them. You won’t like it. Thank you.
Second, this is not a novel for kids. How many here are parents? Oh, lots. Great! Vonne says I have to give parental advisories. Here they are:
Profanity: Yep. Check that one. Lots, but not pervasive f-bombs. However, if you were experiencing what these two humaniforms are going through, you’d probably be swearing yourself into a slapfest from your mother, too.
Sex/Nudity: Some. One masturbatory scene, and a bizarre memory that will be discussed under “Themes.”
Violence: Gobs of gore! Decapitations, dismemberments, entrails, ichor, enough blood to fill my Hades-sized very, very hot-tub. Splatters and brain bits everywhere; even the gobs are covered in gore.
Themes: Occult, spiritism, all kinds of evil in many forms. That one memory alluded to earlier under “Sex/Nudity” is one of the characters remembering being sodomized by their parents when young.
So, not for children, huh?
Speaking of children, will the Mexicans here please raise their hands? Ah, there you are! Great to see you! Okay, all you other people can stop sacrificing your children to me. White kids just taste like lard; black ones like catfish — whaddup wi’dat, anyway? — asian ones just make me feel hungry again in two hours. But you Mexican ones! OMG — well, more like OYG (Oh, Your God) — I loves me some Mexican food! Keep it up, people! That’s some fine eating, right there!
There are three giant problems I have with this story. First, no mention of the Big Guy, Your God. We are led to believe Peter is the Father, but even he references God as someone else, so I’m a bit confused on that point. But, it’s a trilogy, so we’ll see.
Second, that sodomy scene: normally kids that are abused like this are not balanced, reasonable human beings. They are seriously messed up. But, this memory belongs to the most balanced, reasonable character in the milieu. That just doesn’t jibe. I hope it’s not just gratuitous sicko; can’t see how the author will make it relevant in the two installments to follow, but Dyrk’s got oodles of imagination, so we’ll see.
And third, no mention of me anywhere. I know! Go figure! Well, I do get a shout out in the Bible – one from Jesus himself – yet Dyrk isn’t mentioned anywhere in that perennial bestseller. Take that, Baldy! It’s a trilogy, so maybe cut me in on a little of that action later. Deal?
Oh, Vonne wanted me to read you this notice about the author, Dyrk Ashton, It says:
“When I first stepped into social media to enter the SF/F fray, one of the first people to follow my lunacy was Dyrk Ashton. He is generous, warm-hearted, friendly, and very funny. I have never met him personally, but hope to one day. Upon seeing him, I will give him a big hug … then shine his bald head … and give him a wedgie. That’s how we roll. With affection and gratitude, Vonne Anton.”
There you go, folks. That’s it! BTW, Dyrk self-published and is self-promoting this novel, so give the guy some love by buying this and reading it to your children so that they never sleep, won’t go near their closets, and grow up frightened and warped burdens on society, freeloading on death row. Meanwhile, be amazed at the depth and breadth of the author’s research. It is astonishing!
Go get some pizza and beer, everybody! Oh, wait … What? . . . oh my. Um, well we can strain the flies out of the beer; and be careful of the pizza. Those might not be black olives. “Shoo fly, shoo! Shoo fly, don’t bother them! You too, review reader pest, shoo!”
BZB for VA
5 November 2016