The nominees for the first ever Golden Giggle Award, or Giggly (nicknamed Benedict just because if it’s good enough for Cumberbatch, it’s good enough for Giggly) are . . .
Terry Pratchett for almost everything, except dying before this award could have been added to all his other ones. That wasn’t funny at all!
Douglas Adams, for almost everything – including arming us all with towels at the proper moment [how prescient of him in view of the rise of Isis!] – except dying before this award could have been added to all his other ones. That wasn’t funny at all!
And John “Hercules” Scalzi for . . . well, mostly being alive today.
And the winner is? . . . Envelope please? . . .
[An envelope drops from the ceiling next to our emcee from a delicate, lacy strand of silk. The emcee bows smartly, then pulls the cord on a chain saw and rips the envelope, silk and all, to tatters.]
. . . [tension builds while emcee glints into the camera] . . . John “Hercules” Scalzi!
How proud he must be! Just look at this live cam snooper as his mother rejoices at the award! That is one proud Mama!
Scalzi gets the Giggly for stuff like his “Old Man’s War” series, which featured sporadic humor; especially for “Zoe’s Tale,” which is the most uproariest of them all (communicating to you, dear ghost, that my humor is best understood by 15-year old girls); for inexplicable humor in Lock In due to its horrendous premise; and especially for Redshirts, a Trekkie Phantasmorgasm of mirth and jocularity, which swept the Hugo and Nebula Awards the other year (don’t bother fact checking this, I’ll confess it is taking the facts into chaos theory territory)!
He penultimately gets it for repeatedly recusing himself for award contention in the genre! He did it again just yesterday right here: http://whatever.scalzi.com/2016/03/18/notes-on-awards-and-slates-31816/ !
Yes, he gets an award he has neither heard of, cares about, didn’t consent to, nor has even wanted; along with all the other awards he rejects but somehow ends up with. A whole mantelpiece of poor, unwanted awards . . . how sad [as the crowd groans in despair]!
Ultimately, as he himself explains, he gets this award because I am an *******. (*’s in this case is translated “as shoal.” Now, in my universe, shoal is highly prized for its gritty goodness. I sprinkle it in my Cheerios to get the infusion of minerals I need to really get my ichor flowing! Yeah, Baby! A real RUSH of silicate and algae! So, I guess that means it is a compliment for him to think of me as shoal! Yay! He likes me!)
[Um, no, Vonne. Right about now, Mr. Scalzi is beginning to think you are a stalker, when all you’re really doing is having fun, hoping he won’t mind. Chill for a while after this, okay?]
Go, Hercules, go!
Oh, I AM SO SORRY! We don’t have time for your acceptance speech, Mr. Scalzi! Maybe next time!
Congrats to you!